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Post by SA Hunter on Mar 27, 2017 14:01:33 GMT 10
LARRY MAY BECOME MY NEW FAVOURITE!!!!
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I didn't like to see you standing there all by yourself!' �
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mum?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter, asked Larry 'are you giving up?'
Larry's class were on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mom .....'
I hope this brightens your day.
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Post by SA Hunter on Mar 27, 2017 14:12:41 GMT 10
They walk amongst us.....
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A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge (still working), he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.' The next day someone stole it!
They walk amongst us! ------------------------------ -------
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted..... "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said..."Where?"
They walk among us!
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for some time. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......' ------------------------------ --------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'has your plane arrived yet?'... (I work with professionals like this.)
They Walk Among Us! ------------------------------ ------------------
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
They Walk Among Us!
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And last, but not least:
Dumb as a box of Rocks TRUE STORY:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi (Speaker of the United States House of Representatives)happened to appear. Ms. Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble.. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
Sadly, they walk among us! And, MORE sadly, hold high offices!!!
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Traffic Camera
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for Driving without a seat belt!!!
You can't fix stupid.
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Post by SA Hunter on Mar 27, 2017 16:40:51 GMT 10
Why Australia is in Trouble
The population of this country is 23 million
10 million are retired
That leaves 13 million to do the work
There are 8 million in school
Leaving 5 million to do the work
Of these, 2.7 million are “employed” by the federal government
So there’re only 2.3 million to do the work
400,000 are in the armed forces
Which leaves 1.9 million to do the work
Take from that total the 1.5 million people who “work” for state and city governments
Just 0.4 million left to do the work
At any given time there are 18,800 people in hospitals
Leaving 381,200 to do the work
Currently we have 380,198 people in prisons
That leaves just two people to do the work
You and me
And there you are
Sitting on your ass
At the computer, reading jokes
Nice….. Real nice.
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Post by SA Hunter on Mar 27, 2017 16:42:19 GMT 10
A man was telling his best mate...
You won't believe what happened last night . .. . .
my daughter walked into the living room and said;
"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my uni tuition loan, rent
my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop.
Please take any of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters."
"Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of
the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again and don't forget to write
me out of your will, and leave my share to any charity you choose.
"Holy Smokes," replied the friend. "She actually said all that?"
"Well, she didn't use those exact words. Actually she said..
"Dad, meet my new boyfriend Mohamed".
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Post by SA Hunter on Apr 3, 2017 19:56:08 GMT 10
IRISH MILLIONAIRE
Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants to Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow?.
b) Thrush?.
c) Magpie?.
d) Cuckoo?."
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin..."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple, it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,"I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
“Because he lives in a fookin clock!"
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Post by Peter on Apr 3, 2017 21:24:32 GMT 10
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Post by SA Hunter on Apr 13, 2017 20:12:27 GMT 10
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father, without the need for any physical connection.
He asked if they were interested.
Both said they were very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
They arrived home to find the postman dead on the porch.
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Post by SA Hunter on Apr 13, 2017 20:21:55 GMT 10
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car,
A Passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, .......
Rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".
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Post by SA Hunter on Apr 26, 2017 10:07:57 GMT 10
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptised all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
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Post by SA Hunter on Apr 26, 2017 10:17:11 GMT 10
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one single drop of paint on their habits. After discussing it, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits & paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it ?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds ?"
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Post by SA Hunter on Apr 26, 2017 22:39:02 GMT 10
Made love to this young woman the other night.
She had a 2 1/2hr orgasm......................
Found out the next morning she was an epileptic!!
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Post by SA Hunter on May 8, 2017 21:35:04 GMT 10
Pharmacist to customer: "Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription...
Simply showing your marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough". A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, "Which book has helped you most in your life?" The woman replied, "My husband’s cheque book !!"
A prospective husband in a book store "Do you have a book called, Husband, the Master of the House?" Sales Girl: Certainly Sir, you'll find it under 'Fiction and Comics' on the 1st floor!
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?" Old man: I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper. So I’d be in your hands all day. Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day !
Husband to wife: Today is a fine day. Next day he says: Today is a fine day. Again, the next day, he says the same thing: Today is a fine day. Finally, after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband'Since last week, you have been saying “Today is a fine day". I am fed up. What’s the matter?' Husband: Last week when we had an argument, you said,“I will leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to make sure you remembered.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing; *Either the car is new or the wife is.*
A young boy asks his Dad: "What is the difference between confident and confidential?_ *Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that is confidential!*
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Post by SA Hunter on May 22, 2017 19:28:24 GMT 10
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token
VIP Member
Posts: 766
Likes: 575
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Post by token on May 22, 2017 19:31:27 GMT 10
Nooooo!!!! bahahahahaha, foooools!!! bahahaha it just goes to show how the media have no clue half the time, bahahaha
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Post by Peter on May 22, 2017 19:36:39 GMT 10
...they have no clue only half the time?
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token
VIP Member
Posts: 766
Likes: 575
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Post by token on May 23, 2017 19:49:37 GMT 10
...they have no clue only half the time? Well yes, ok, correction taken and noted, 'all the time!' Thanks
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Post by SA Hunter on May 23, 2017 22:18:12 GMT 10
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Post by Peter on May 23, 2017 22:55:44 GMT 10
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token
VIP Member
Posts: 766
Likes: 575
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Post by token on May 24, 2017 7:41:29 GMT 10
poor kids thats terrible lol
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Post by SA Hunter on May 28, 2017 21:41:56 GMT 10
Kiwis,Trevor and Jeanette are walking down a Bondi street.
Trevor happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye: Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each,Trousers $5.00 per pair.
Trevor says to Jeanette, "Jeanette, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to Noo Zelund, we could make a fortune.
'"Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint."
"No worries," smiles Jeanette, "I'll keep my mouth shut."
They go in and Trevor says, "I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from New Zealand, aren't you?"
"Well... yis,"says a surprised Trevor, "How the hill dud you know thet?"
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."
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