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Post by SA Hunter on Jun 1, 2017 22:48:25 GMT 10
An Interesting Story seen in the Bankstown and Auburn local newspapers recently.
Local Lebanese and Asian leaders here are upset at the Liberal Party for threatening to send back the illegal boat people and to restrict immigration.
So this weekend they boycotted all Australian-owned businesses in the Sydney area as a demonstration of their economic impact on the community. The boycott was declared a success by the Lebanese community and Asian leaders, noting that revenue in Aussie-owned businesses was down by 19%.
However, it is reported that Aussie business owners also declared the boycott a success.
They pointed out that shoplifting was reduced by 77%, money orders sent out of the country were down by 97%, the cost of daily clean-up and trash collection was down by 84%.
Shoppers reported that they could actually hear English being spoken throughout the community for the first time in recent memory, and customers actually paid for purchases with real money, not government debit cards or fake credit cards
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Post by SA Hunter on Jun 12, 2017 21:35:49 GMT 10
You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs.
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arrange for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.
This TRUE interview went as follows:
The lady reporter: I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?
Farmer stared at the reporter and said? Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?
Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?
Farmer: Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?
Reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?
Farmer: I am getting to the point, Miss. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day...and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?
The TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED ...
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Post by SA Hunter on Jun 12, 2017 21:41:02 GMT 10
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then." My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak. After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing. Just had my water bill of $475. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just $10 a month: time to change supplier I think. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40. A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche... Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon. ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!! Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka! In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead. Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! Its doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut. A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, f--k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?! Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watching?' Billy says, ' Wimbledon .' Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!'
An elderly couple are attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
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Post by Peter on Jun 12, 2017 21:51:48 GMT 10
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Post by SA Hunter on Jun 12, 2017 21:53:09 GMT 10
Selling Bibles
A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.
Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand..."You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.'
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.
The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?" Louie just nodded. "That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged.. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-Bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"
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Post by SA Hunter on Jun 12, 2017 22:26:47 GMT 10
Just going through my emails - almost 600 - haven't checked them for a few weeks!! Yeah, bored!!
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Post by SA Hunter on Jun 22, 2017 20:24:20 GMT 10
Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?
Answers are below.
1 . Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button..
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in 'An Officer and a Gentleman' and 'Tootsie.'
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
(Scroll down for answer.)
They are ALL true ...... Now go back and think about #16.
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Post by SA Hunter on Jun 22, 2017 20:31:07 GMT 10
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay,"she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
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token
VIP Member
Posts: 766
Likes: 575
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Post by token on Jun 22, 2017 20:39:31 GMT 10
Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false? Answers are below. 1 . Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. 2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.. 3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years. 4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more. 5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart! 6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties. 7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. 8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old. 9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines. 10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498. 11. The average housefly lives for one month. 12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. 13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened. 14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute. 15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day. 16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep. 17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water. 18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot. 19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in 'An Officer and a Gentleman' and 'Tootsie.' 20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem. 21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk. 22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash. 23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor. 24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery. 25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins. 26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green. (Scroll down for answer.) They are ALL true ...... Now go back and think about #16. Bullcrap! How did Alfred Hitchcock not have a belly button? People do not get sick from being inside, they catch a bug, nothing to do with being inside. Babies do have knee caps, (patella) they are just softer and harden later. Others have to be crap too i reckon, so good joke, lol
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Post by Joey on Jun 23, 2017 8:11:06 GMT 10
BREAKING NEWS...
An earthquake measuring 5.2 on the richter scale hit Dubbo in the late hours of Wednesday. The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately $120.00 worth of damage.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell". Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.
The local paper reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Dubbo.
One resident - Tracy Sharon ‘Shazza’ Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards and homemade bongs.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: baseball caps, tracksuits, sports singlets, Holden racing tops, beanies and thongs or any other items usually sold at Dollars and Sense or the Reject Shop.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: McDonald’s, KFC, Hungry Jacks and minimum chips. Donations of $30.00 will be taken to buy a packet of winny blue 25s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
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blueshoes
Senior Member
Posts: 608
Likes: 698
Location: Regional Dan-istan
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Post by blueshoes on Jun 23, 2017 11:03:58 GMT 10
Bullcrap! How did Alfred Hitchcock not have a belly button? ... For what it's worth, Google says Hitchcock was born with one, but he had a stomach operation and when they stitched him up, they did so without leaving his belly button.
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Post by SA Hunter on Jun 30, 2017 21:30:23 GMT 10
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, little Sasha puts her hand up and says, "I have two questions. Why did we Russians invade Crimea? And why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?" Putin says "Good questions!" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to lunch. When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says, "I have four questions. "My Questions are:- Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And where is Sasha ?
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Post by SA Hunter on Jun 30, 2017 22:01:42 GMT 10
THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A RUGBY FINAL... THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND... BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA...
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO SYDNEY ... THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE...”
THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, “I WANT TO GO TO TASMANIA .... THERE ARE ONLY 50 NUNS LIVING THERE...”
THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO NEW ZEALAND ... THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE..."
ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,
"WHY DON’T YOU GO TO HELL ... THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE!"
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 10, 2017 21:19:26 GMT 10
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it."Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?" "No," said the little boy, "It's a puppy."
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 10, 2017 21:26:33 GMT 10
Proof That The World Is Nuts! In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Glad I don't live in Indonesia!) (Much worse than 'going blind!') *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute: Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Cali, Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ In Santa Cruz, Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.' (Is this a great country or what?) Well,.... not as great as Guam! *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for these tests?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* The Ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of ) (Did our Government pay for this research??) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* An Ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too.) *~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* And, the best for last? Turtles can breathe through their ass. (And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!) Thank you all for reading this. If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam !!!!!!
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 10, 2017 21:42:28 GMT 10
GOOD ONE FOR THE AIRMAN!!!! Latrine Duty A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been cooped up here in Thule, Greenland, for more than 11 months now, without any leave. Reindeer asses are beginning to look pretty good to me right about now. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is minus 40° F, and my job is to pump sh%t out of an aircraft." "Now, just exactly what form of f#8kin' punishment did you have in mind Sir?"
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 10, 2017 21:54:19 GMT 10
Fifteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs and Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.
4. Dogs' parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.
11.. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.
12. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick 'em.
13. D0gs will let you put a studded collar on them, without calling you a pervert.
14. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.
And last, but not least:
15. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.
To verify these statements: Lock your wife and your dog in the boot of your car for an hour. Then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you!
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 10, 2017 22:29:19 GMT 10
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink." The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do." They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK, come on in." The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog" The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........ "A Chihuahua ? They gave me a "f#*king"Chihuahua "
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 13, 2017 0:42:18 GMT 10
A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied, in a loud voice"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?" The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT?..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people.
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 13, 2017 0:43:32 GMT 10
A foursome of men waited at the men's tee while a foursome of women was hitting in front of them -- taking their time.
When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet. Then she went over and missed it completely. Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.
She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically,
"I guess all those f***ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responded, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43.
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