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Post by SA Hunter on Dec 31, 2018 23:37:06 GMT 10
Here we go..........
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 1, 2019 11:25:34 GMT 10
Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, 'It’s dark in here isn’t it?' The other replied, 'I don’t know; I can’t see.'
Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream. One yells to the other, 'How do you get to the other side?' The other blonde replies, 'You are on the other side!'
What do you call a really smart blonde? A golden retriever.
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 1, 2019 11:30:43 GMT 10
Useful Insults
Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick. No I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. I’m jealous of people that don’t know you! My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works. Behind every fat woman there is a beautiful woman. No seriously, your in the way. Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people. They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured. I can lose weight, but you’ll always be ugly. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable... like a coma. You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard. Of course I talk like an idiot, how else would you understand me? My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face. Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 1, 2019 11:39:16 GMT 10
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 1, 2019 19:24:52 GMT 10
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 1, 2019 19:25:51 GMT 10
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 2, 2019 18:12:45 GMT 10
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 2, 2019 18:13:58 GMT 10
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 2, 2019 18:14:20 GMT 10
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 2, 2019 18:14:46 GMT 10
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 2, 2019 18:15:53 GMT 10
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started...
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 2, 2019 18:16:44 GMT 10
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "Holy crap. That must be my husband!" So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked he jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband!" The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you RUNNING?" And that's when the fight started...
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 2, 2019 18:17:15 GMT 10
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" And that's when the fight started...
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 8, 2019 15:10:28 GMT 10
A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read
. .'Keep off the grass'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 8, 2019 15:12:14 GMT 10
A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.
The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women!"
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 24, 2019 22:05:09 GMT 10
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 26, 2019 21:34:55 GMT 10
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 26, 2019 22:32:19 GMT 10
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 26, 2019 22:32:48 GMT 10
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 26, 2019 22:33:13 GMT 10
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