remnantprep
Senior Member
People do not exist for the sake of governments!
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Email: remnant@ausprep.org
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Post by remnantprep on Aug 29, 2014 20:59:34 GMT 10
There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table. Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom. When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over. 'What happened, Grandpa?' asked his concerned children. 'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!' For some reason I have found this particular joke hilarious!!!
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 30, 2014 20:08:51 GMT 10
Special Package for Businessmen
An Airline introduced a special package for Business men. Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free. After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.
All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"
New SIM to Surprise Her Husband
Woman buys a new Sim Card.
Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:
"Hello Darling."
The husband responds in a low tone:
“Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen.
Cool Message by a Wife
Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement."
Throwing Knives at Wife's Picture
Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture. All the knives were missing the target! Suddenly he received a call from her "Hi, what are youdoing?" His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."
Habit of Talking in Sleep
A lady to doctor:….. My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?
Dr:…………………. Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.
Natural Disasters Just Happen
Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how to choose a wife.
Natural disasters just happen.
Your Husband Needs Rest
Doctor:……………….. Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: ………………….Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: ……………….They are for you !
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 31, 2014 21:13:51 GMT 10
Woody Allen: “Having sex is like bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” Steven Wright: “I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” Demetri Martin: “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” Groucho Marx: “I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.” Zach Galifianakis: “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day inside my fort.” Jimmy Carr: “A big girl once came up to me after a show and said, ‘I think you’re fatist.’ I said, ‘No. I think you’re fattest.’” Rodney Dangerfield: “I’m so ugly that my proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.” Bob Newhart: “I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’”. Joan Rivers: “The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven’t seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse.” Jay Leno: “Remember the good old days when the only bomb you had to worry about on a plane was the Rob Schneider movie?” Jerry Seinfeld: “Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.” Louis C.K.: “There are two types of people in the world: People who say they pee in the shower and dirty fu**ing liars.” Bill Bailey: “My first job was selling doors, door to door. That’s a tough job isn’t it? Bing Bong; ‘Hello, can I interest you in a ... oh sh** you’ve got one already haven’t you? Well never mind…’” Robin Williams: “We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.” George Carlin: “Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?” Michael McIntyre: “Who’s phoning radio stations to warn of traffic jams? Who in their right mind gets stuck and thinks: ‘Get me the phone — I must warn the others. It’s too late for me’?” Ricky Gervais: “Put a bet on the paralympics the other day; try telling the bookies that they’re all winners.” Lee Mack: “I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died. ‘What are you doing here with that hammer?’” Phyllis Diller: “I do dinner in three phases; serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.” Russell Brand: “No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He’s been dining off I Don’t Like Mondays for 30 years.”
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Jokes
Sept 1, 2014 10:31:02 GMT 10
Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2014 10:31:02 GMT 10
Your Husband Needs Rest
Doctor:……………….. Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: ………………….Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: ……………….They are for you ! <<
classic
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2014 10:37:26 GMT 10
Bob Newhart: “I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’”. <<
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Deleted
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Jokes
Sept 1, 2014 10:42:34 GMT 10
Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2014 10:42:34 GMT 10
..I refuse to admit to the most amusing joke however ;>
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Post by SA Hunter on Sept 1, 2014 19:16:44 GMT 10
Oo and oO
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy.
"And how did you do?"
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
Well, I used a similar diagram, the guy says. I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, This is your arsehole before prison...
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Post by SA Hunter on Sept 4, 2014 21:41:17 GMT 10
Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked ,
'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.' ‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa,it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mum wants to talk to you.'
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Jokes
Sept 4, 2014 23:04:52 GMT 10
Post by You Must Enter A Name on Sept 4, 2014 23:04:52 GMT 10
Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked , 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.' ‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa,it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mum wants to talk to you.' HAHAHHAHAHA oh man...... that is pure gold.
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Post by SA Hunter on Sept 8, 2014 19:03:33 GMT 10
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a Sheila called Penny – spooky or what?
I'm about to take part in the Great Bankstown Run. It's not an official race, You just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a F&*#wit" & then we’re off..... A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can get back to seeing their own doctor. I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex. Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls! A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The BNP School of Diving said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open. Such an unfair world: When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $10.50/min (charges may vary). Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker. Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser! Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him Bankstown. If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam. They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 1 minute and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.
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Post by SA Hunter on Sept 8, 2014 19:06:37 GMT 10
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nudist beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is.'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'
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Post by SA Hunter on Sept 8, 2014 19:12:52 GMT 10
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it? 'Heavens no, we bought it.' 'Then why don't you drive it away.' We can't drive.' Then why did you buy it?' 'We were told that if we bought a Used car here We'd get screwed ... so we're just waiting.
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Post by StepfordRenegade on Sept 9, 2014 13:29:52 GMT 10
A study has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected on this subject.
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Post by SA Hunter on Sept 9, 2014 20:41:40 GMT 10
Two Tasmanians were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the first Tasmanian says to the second,
"If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off fishing’,
and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?”
The second Tasmanian crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but I reckon it’d make us even."
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myrrph
VIP Member
trying to figure out how to change my nick :P
Posts: 1,075
Likes: 1,232
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Post by myrrph on Sept 10, 2014 11:25:49 GMT 10
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Post by You Must Enter A Name on Sept 10, 2014 12:41:37 GMT 10
Possibly the hardest I've ever laughed at work.
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Post by StepfordRenegade on Sept 10, 2014 12:43:37 GMT 10
Possibly the hardest I've ever laughed at work. Have you checked out Failbook? It's a whole bunch of the same stuff - hilarious. I think you'd like Damn You Autocorrect as well.
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myrrph
VIP Member
trying to figure out how to change my nick :P
Posts: 1,075
Likes: 1,232
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Jokes
Sept 10, 2014 16:11:01 GMT 10
Post by myrrph on Sept 10, 2014 16:11:01 GMT 10
yup. saw failbook and DYAC too love both... FML is when i need a pick me up
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Post by SA Hunter on Sept 10, 2014 18:15:30 GMT 10
Aaaaah, the future of the Western World is in good hands...............meanwhile our enemies learn to strip, clean and reassemble an AK47 blindfolded in less than 1 minute. Yep, the future looks rosy!!!
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Jokes
Sept 10, 2014 18:30:31 GMT 10
via mobile
Post by pheniox17 on Sept 10, 2014 18:30:31 GMT 10
Aaaaah, the future of the Western World is in good hands...............meanwhile our enemies learn to strip, clean and reassemble an AK47 blindfolded in less than 1 minute. Yep, the future looks rosy!!! It also gives our enemy a false sense of security, "the west is so stupid they can't beat us, its those doomsday nuts that are kicking our buts to the curb"
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