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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 30, 2017 21:06:04 GMT 10
"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," O'Ryan replied, but it keeps fallin' off!"
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 30, 2017 21:06:51 GMT 10
Blaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance. My wife is going to have a baby!" "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked. "No, this is her husband speaking" Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
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Post by Peter on Aug 30, 2017 22:28:10 GMT 10
I got mugged the other day.
The mugger put a gun to me and said "Your money or your life!". I explained I have a wife and kids. Money and a life have long left the harbour.
We hugged. It was a beautiful experience.
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Post by Joey on Sept 6, 2017 0:18:14 GMT 10
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
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token
VIP Member
Posts: 766
Likes: 575
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Post by token on Sept 6, 2017 0:25:09 GMT 10
One fella decides to become a monk, but he has to take a vow of silence. He is only permitted two words per year, but thats it.
After the first year, he is asked what his two words are, he replies 'more food'.
So they give him more food and another year goes by. After the second year they ask him what his two words are?
He replies, 'more blankets', so they give him more blankets.
Another year goes by and his time comes for his two words, so they ask him what he would say?
His reply is, 'I QUIT!'
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Post by SA Hunter on Oct 2, 2017 19:57:38 GMT 10
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
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Post by SA Hunter on Oct 2, 2017 20:01:04 GMT 10
Two Australian builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit. Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant. Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker. Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder. Phil: - 'Scuse me. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession. Phil: - Oh! What's that then? Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home? Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Phil: - It's in a pond! Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden, then you have a large house? Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself! Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself, and that you are quite probably married? Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children. Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week! Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? Phil: - Me? Never. Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Phil: - How's that then? Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life! Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate. Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist! Eric: - What's that then? Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Eric: - Nope. Phil: - Well then, you're a meat flogger.
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Post by SA Hunter on Oct 2, 2017 20:10:00 GMT 10
On a single day, Washington State recently passed two laws.
They are:
1. Legalized gay marriage, and 2. Legalized marijuana.
Legalizing gay marriage and marijuana on the same day now makes perfect Biblical sense: Leviticus 20:13 says:
"If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.
Apparently, we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
************
Truths and 5 Rules of Life
1: Lovers help each other undress before sex. However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
2: When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats ". But, none of them comes up to the man - touch his penis and say, "Good job".
Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.
1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then neither does milk. ---
5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
AND Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
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Post by SA Hunter on Oct 4, 2017 15:49:26 GMT 10
A mature-aged lady was living on her own and decided she needed a man to help with some 'chores' around the house, so she advertised for a 'handyman'. 'WANTED: Handyman. Must be good at gardening, home repairs and must be good in bed.' ... A short time later the doorbell rang. She opened the door and there was a man with no arms and no legs. 'Hi. I'm here for the job' He said. She looked at him and said, "I hope you won't take this the wrong way but you have no arms and no legs. Are you able to mow, weed, fix the roof and clear the gutters?" He shook his head and said, "Nah, not a chance lady." She frowns and says, "Ok, well, how good are you in bed?" The bloke beams her a smile and says, "Hey, lady .. I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
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Post by Peter on Oct 5, 2017 22:54:14 GMT 10
Oh dear...
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Post by SA Hunter on Oct 10, 2017 18:30:11 GMT 10
“The Arnott’s Biscuit Story”
Mr “Monte Carlo” was a very fresh biscuit
He took Mrs “Vo Vo” for a “Morning Coffee”
He put his hand on her “Milky Way”
She thought that was “Nice”
But when he put his “Scotch Finger”
On her “Date Slice”
She grabbed him by his “Ginger Nuts”
Which made him “SaO”!!
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Post by Joey on Oct 14, 2017 7:44:02 GMT 10
1.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3.
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
4.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from a maths class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5.
No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.
6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9.
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:
'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13.
I wondered why the cricket ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'
15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17.
A backward poet writes inverse.
18.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19.
When cannibals ate a missionary,
they got a taste of religion.
20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris,
you'd be in Seine
21.
A Wedgetail Eagle carrying two dead rabbits boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says,
'I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
26.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
27.
Do you know what the Thesaurus had for Breakfast? . . . . . . . “Synonym Buns”
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Post by SA Hunter on Oct 14, 2017 21:46:19 GMT 10
Last week, I took my grandsons to Maccas. My 9-year-old grandson, Harrison, to McDonalds for a meal. When the meal came, he asked if he could say grace. Sure I said. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty, peace and justice for all. Amen!"
Along with the laughter and nodding of heads from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman at the next table remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why -- I never!"
Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong Grandpa? Is God mad at me?"After I assured him that he had done a terrific job and that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my grandson asked."Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul.”
Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he looked her in the eye and told her, "Here granny, this is for you, you grouchy old . Shove it up your ass and cool off!"
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Post by SA Hunter on Oct 14, 2017 21:48:28 GMT 10
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did you pay our charity pledge cheque to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing then asks, "Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge? "Oy, no I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.
"One last thing, Esther, did you remember to send a cheque for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?" he asks. "Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?"
Abe answers......... "They'll find us."
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Post by Peter on Oct 24, 2017 23:31:36 GMT 10
Who knew? Megalodon still lives in our oceans. Here is the photographic proof.
This is the jokes thread, after all...
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Post by SA Hunter on Nov 25, 2017 20:43:47 GMT 10
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board!
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a root!!'
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'!!!
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 21, 2018 22:03:03 GMT 10
Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.
The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100.'
The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?
The American Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk!
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 21, 2018 22:16:28 GMT 10
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart."
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message
Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean.
6. What the hell did you do now?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day. (My personal favorite!)
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 24, 2018 21:17:54 GMT 10
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish cop.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Scottish cop's expense! Scottish cop says, "License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Scottish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Scottish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please" London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Scottish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Scottish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Scottish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop or just slow down? "
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 24, 2018 21:25:31 GMT 10
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility... Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?' A: 'No, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.' Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?' A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.' Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?' A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.' Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?' A: 'Yes sir, we do!' Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?' A: 'Yes, sir, I do.' Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?' A: 'Yes, sir.' Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?' A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
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