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Jokes
Nov 27, 2015 10:18:53 GMT 10
Post by Peter on Nov 27, 2015 10:18:53 GMT 10
Great stuff Jay. Four out of four.
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Post by Joey on Nov 27, 2015 12:41:46 GMT 10
I know a Muslim named alim I love to throw tomatoes at him Tomatoes are soft and don't hurt the skin But fook him these tomatoes are still in the tin.
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myrrph
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Post by myrrph on Dec 3, 2015 13:23:29 GMT 10
no jokes for a while, so i'll add 21 21 best one-liners 1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves. 2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain. 3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant. 4. Don't let an extra chromosome get you down. 5. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her. 6. People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now. 7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. 8. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes. 9. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met. 10. I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long. 11. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything." 12. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo. 13. Say what you want about deaf people... 14. I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it. 15. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade." 16. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there. 17. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust. 18. People say I'm condescending. That means i talk down to people. 19. You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon. 20. Whiteboards are remarkable. 21. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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Post by thereth on Dec 3, 2015 13:35:45 GMT 10
They all remind me of Jimmy Carr, brillliant comedian who is very good at the one liners
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myrrph
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Post by myrrph on Dec 3, 2015 14:18:37 GMT 10
its difficult to write good one liners
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myrrph
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Post by myrrph on Dec 3, 2015 19:11:39 GMT 10
A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."
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krull68
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Post by krull68 on Dec 4, 2015 23:42:50 GMT 10
A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation." My wife, a former nurse, thinks that is the absolute best joke since forever.
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myrrph
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Jokes
Dec 5, 2015 13:43:33 GMT 10
Post by myrrph on Dec 5, 2015 13:43:33 GMT 10
my mom was a nurse. she liked it too
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myrrph
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Post by myrrph on Dec 6, 2015 0:46:23 GMT 10
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Rubia went straight to her grandparent' s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.
Horrified, Rubia told her grandmother that people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny.! 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.. It was just the right rhythm.. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
'He'd still be alive if the fire engine had not passed by
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Post by Joey on Dec 6, 2015 3:09:11 GMT 10
I'm not racist, Racism is a crime, And crime is for black people
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Post by SA Hunter on Dec 8, 2015 22:00:46 GMT 10
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her self-righteousness, but feared her wrath enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank in front of several others that every one seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her in silence for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.He said nothing..
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home .....and left it there all night.
Ya gotta love Frank!
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Jokes
Dec 8, 2015 22:09:49 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Dec 8, 2015 22:09:49 GMT 10
• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
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Jokes
Dec 8, 2015 22:12:05 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Dec 8, 2015 22:12:05 GMT 10
Bruce and Barry got married in Canberra (because they could). They couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they went back to Bruce's Mum and Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Bruce's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum: ‘Are Bruce and Barry up yet?’. She replies, 'No'.
Johnny comments, 'Do you know what I think?' His mum replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, 'Are Bruce and Barry up yet?' She replies, 'No..' Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?' His mum replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again: 'Are Bruce and Barry up yet?' Again his mum replies somewhat more agitated: 'No!' He says, 'Do you know what I think?' His mum replies, 'OK, damn it, tell me what you think!'
He says: 'Well , last night Bruce came to my room for some Vaseline . . . And I gave him my airplane glue!'
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myrrph
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Jokes
Dec 9, 2015 19:44:14 GMT 10
Peter likes this
Post by myrrph on Dec 9, 2015 19:44:14 GMT 10
A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.
Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday&which they did.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's 280 dollars I collected." The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"
Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's 3200 dollars in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"
Louie just nodded.
That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for-sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us-what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible-f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just-l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to-y-y-you?
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Jokes
Dec 12, 2015 22:03:46 GMT 10
Peter likes this
Post by Joey on Dec 12, 2015 22:03:46 GMT 10
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Post by Peter on Dec 12, 2015 22:18:35 GMT 10
That reminds me...
An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfitter walk into a bar... I only know because they told everyone within two minutes.
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Jokes
Dec 20, 2015 3:37:49 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Dec 20, 2015 3:37:49 GMT 10
The bottle of Merlot
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman..
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants ' After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.
Just send the bottle back.'
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Post by Joey on Dec 21, 2015 15:50:25 GMT 10
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krull68
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Jokes
Dec 21, 2015 23:34:16 GMT 10
Post by krull68 on Dec 21, 2015 23:34:16 GMT 10
HOHOHO (or to be politically correct, lady of the night, lady of the night, lady of the night) HAHAHA HEHEHE ROTFLMAO.
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krull68
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Post by krull68 on Dec 21, 2015 23:39:11 GMT 10
Politically correct Christmas story.
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