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Jokes
Dec 23, 2015 11:16:07 GMT 10
Post by Peter on Dec 23, 2015 11:16:07 GMT 10
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Post by Peter on Jan 4, 2016 14:51:07 GMT 10
Q. How do you make a cat sound like a dog? A. Douse him in gasoline and light a match. WOOF!
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Post by thereth on Jan 4, 2016 16:03:53 GMT 10
Q. How do you make a cat sound like a dog? A. Douse him in gasoline and light a match. WOOF! Well now we are in dad joke territory. .... Q. How do you make a dog sound like a cat? A. Freeze it and put it through a band saw. MEEEEEEOOW!
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myrrph
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trying to figure out how to change my nick :P
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Post by myrrph on Jan 4, 2016 16:23:14 GMT 10
we should have a new joke thread for 2016!
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Post by Peter on Jan 4, 2016 19:04:27 GMT 10
Q. How do you make a cat sound like a dog? A. Douse him in gasoline and light a match. WOOF! Well now we are in dad joke territory. .... Q. How do you make a dog sound like a cat? A. Freeze it and put it through a band saw. MEEEEEEOOW! Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
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Post by Joey on Jan 5, 2016 7:22:34 GMT 10
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Jokes
Jan 14, 2016 10:29:17 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Jan 14, 2016 10:29:17 GMT 10
we should have a new joke thread for 2016! DONE!!!!!
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malewithatail
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Location: Northern Rivers NSW
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Post by malewithatail on Jul 14, 2022 8:58:25 GMT 10
“Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear".
"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder".
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you
there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"
The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said,
Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir"?”
Source: Good Thinking
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malewithatail
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Posts: 3,348
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Location: Northern Rivers NSW
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Post by malewithatail on Jul 16, 2022 13:39:47 GMT 10
This actually happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
A French policeman stopped an Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.
With great difficulty ( being totally as pissed as a fart ), the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed out of his head.
He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with a bit of humor.
"No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving on the other side?"
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malewithatail
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Location: Northern Rivers NSW
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Post by malewithatail on Jul 16, 2022 14:50:03 GMT 10
A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. The plane had a layover in Sacramento. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in one hour.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.
Another man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the
entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for an hour, would you like to get off and stretch your legs? "
The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story....Have a great day and remember... Things aren't always as they appear...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2022 17:53:49 GMT 10
that last one was good malewithatail, i had a good chuckle at that.
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malewithatail
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Posts: 3,348
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Location: Northern Rivers NSW
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Jokes
Jul 17, 2022 11:52:53 GMT 10
Post by malewithatail on Jul 17, 2022 11:52:53 GMT 10
What gun for home protection would be a very bad idea?
I had to think this through because it posed an interesting question: what is the provably WORST gun for home defense? A .22 single shot rifle is at least small and quick to point. A Barrett M82 is at least going to instantly stop whatever it hits. Even a good old fashioned musket is going to do good damage and won't hurt your ears. No, I wanted to know what the indisputable worst home defense gun in the world is; and I have found it.
This is the .950 JDJ Fat Mac. It is a 100 pound, 5 foot long rifle that shoots a one pound solid brass bullet at 2200 FPS. It is a non-NFA item only because the ATF gave it a sporting exemption as a joke as if anybody is going to hunt with this. This round would be overkill for hunting blue whales.
I would like to paint a picture for you. It's 2AM and you hear a window break in your living room. This is the worst day this could happen, as every single one of your guns was lost in a tragic boating accident this morning. All were lost except for one. You look across your room in dread at your anti-kaiju rifle. You know what you have to do, but you don't know if you have the strength to do it, both literally and figuratively.
Heaving the rifle into your arms, you load a .950 cartridge and begin to waddle towards the door. Your feet make a loud “thud” as you take each 6″ step. You know the intruders hear you. You hope they do, for perhaps they will run and spare the world the suffering that is about to befall it.
You try to set the rifle down, but end up clipping your bedroom door and it is immediately knocked off its hinges by this battering ram in your hands. You attempt to round the corner, bonking the muzzle against the doorframe and adjacent wall across the hall at least 4 times. To your horror, two invaders stand there at the end of the hall.
With a heavy heart, you raise the rifle to your shoulder while making inhuman grunting noises from the strain of attempting some semblance of a shooting position. The burglars simply stare in disbelief, unable to process the situation they are witnessing, as if in a dream. You cannot aim the rifle, as the last time you fired the gun, it turned your $3000 Leupold into a kaleidoscope. You simply hold it at an angle that appears correct and fire.
You are immediately knocked to the floor as if hit by a semi truck going 20 MPH. The shot connected with one of the criminals and it erased him from existence. Even the memories of him have been destroyed and you're wondering why you just shot into an empty hallway. The shot continues to travel through at least 4 houses, a car, and a 10 ton boulder before lodging itself 20 feet into a nearby hill, never to be seen again.
It is at this point, you realize you cannot hear. The surviving burglar can't hear either but he's also on fire from the muzzle blast and is currently vacating your home. You don't care. Your shoulder is dislocated and there is a hole in your brand new AR500 refrigerator. You're crying now. The police arrive and, upon seeing the scene, start laughing. You start crying harder.
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Tim Horton
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Post by Tim Horton on Jul 18, 2022 1:12:43 GMT 10
My US southern red neck cousin, Roseanna Jean was telling her girl friends... She and Steven Ray have been going together long enough she demanded he walk her down the isle....
He took her to the ammo section of the Cabela sporting goods store...
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Jokes
Jul 18, 2022 13:59:02 GMT 10
Post by ausprep130 on Jul 18, 2022 13:59:02 GMT 10
This actually happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk. A French policeman stopped an Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking. With great difficulty ( being totally as pissed as a fart ), the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter. Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed out of his head. He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested. The Englishman answers with a bit of humor. "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving on the other side?" I heard the same thing happened at Summer Nats in Canberra one year. The police were stopping cars for random breath tests. An old American LHD car was pulled over. The passenger was tested and found to be 0.0 and the occupants decided to go around the block and drive through again. They got the same cop. They explained that they had to go back home and collect something they forgot and pointed out they had just been through only minutes before and asked if they could just drive on. The cop said no and tested the passenger again. So they decided to go around a few more times. Each time they went through they got the same cop and each time they asked if they could just drive through. They even went so far as asking the cop if he liked old American cars. The cop said he thought they looked nice. Eventually the passenger asked the cop why he had to keep testing him. The cop said it was his job to detect drunk drivers. The passenger then asked, but why do you keep testing me? The cop said, because I have to and i just explained that it's my job to detect drunk drivers. It was then the passenger said, "but I'm not even driving".
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Tim Horton
Senior Member
Posts: 1,772
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Jokes
Aug 10, 2022 7:09:41 GMT 10
Post by Tim Horton on Aug 10, 2022 7:09:41 GMT 10
Local logger, Donald McDonald stopped at the Gas and Go store to fill his pickup.. He stopped at pump #1 to see someone had just pumped $10 of fuel..
He ask the counter person in the store ....how far does anyone expect to get on only $10 of fuel ?? The counter person says ....pump #6.....
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bug
Senior Member
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Jokes
Aug 11, 2022 9:55:42 GMT 10
Post by bug on Aug 11, 2022 9:55:42 GMT 10
This actually happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk. A French policeman stopped an Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking. With great difficulty ( being totally as pissed as a fart ), the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter. Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed out of his head. He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested. The Englishman answers with a bit of humor. "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving on the other side?" I heard the same thing happened at Summer Nats in Canberra one year. The police were stopping cars for random breath tests. An old American LHD car was pulled over. The passenger was tested and found to be 0.0 and the occupants decided to go around the block and drive through again. They got the same cop. They explained that they had to go back home and collect something they forgot and pointed out they had just been through only minutes before and asked if they could just drive on. The cop said no and tested the passenger again. So they decided to go around a few more times. Each time they went through they got the same cop and each time they asked if they could just drive through. They even went so far as asking the cop if he liked old American cars. The cop said he thought they looked nice. Eventually the passenger asked the cop why he had to keep testing him. The cop said it was his job to detect drunk drivers. The passenger then asked, but why do you keep testing me? The cop said, because I have to and i just explained that it's my job to detect drunk drivers. It was then the passenger said, "but I'm not even driving". That's a real good way to encourage police to find something to fine you for.
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Tim Horton
Senior Member
Posts: 1,772
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Post by Tim Horton on Aug 14, 2022 15:55:43 GMT 10
Only a fool will believe using electricity to run an air conditioner is harming the planet...
But electricity to charge a Tesla doesn't....
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Post by SA Hunter on Sept 23, 2022 23:59:51 GMT 10
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Tim Horton
Senior Member
Posts: 1,772
Likes: 1,952
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Post by Tim Horton on Oct 2, 2022 9:17:15 GMT 10
TPTB in England have decided to change the name of the Royal Mail Service to Charles 3 Post Office... Now abbreviated to C3PO.
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Tim Horton
Senior Member
Posts: 1,772
Likes: 1,952
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Post by Tim Horton on Oct 3, 2022 6:22:40 GMT 10
On another site I just saw a picture of an advertising sign for a new real estate development.... Called ....Morning Wood Estates...
And of course the wise crack was ...hope there prices are not too "stiff"....
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