Tim Horton
Senior Member
Posts: 1,772
Likes: 1,952
|
Post by Tim Horton on Oct 5, 2022 4:55:46 GMT 10
As I have come into old age now, I must be getting stronger again...
I can now bring in $200 of groceries from the car in one trip.....
|
|
rosebud
Senior Member
Posts: 141
Likes: 164
|
Jokes
Oct 7, 2022 11:59:12 GMT 10
Beno likes this
Post by rosebud on Oct 7, 2022 11:59:12 GMT 10
I heard this one a few years back during interstate footy rivalry. Firstly, my apologies to Victorians, it is only a joke after all!
A Tasmanian, a Victorian and a South Australian were walking along the beach and came across an old bottle. The Tasmanian picked it up, pulled out the cork and a genie popped out! He said, "I'll give you all one wish. Think carefully before you make your wish."
The Tasmanian thought carefully and said, "My grandfather was a fisherman, my Dad was a fisherman and so am I. I want the seas around Tasmania filled with fish." The genie snapped his fingers and the seas around Tasmania were jumping with fish.
The Victorian said, "I want a wall put around Victoria. I want it high and thick so that nothing can get in and nothing can get out, especially those pesky South Australians." "Done!" said the genie, and there was a humungous wall all around Victoria.
The South Aussie said, "This wall, are you sure nothing can get in or out?" "Quite sure," said the genie. "Well then," said the South Aussie, "Fill it with water!"
|
|
malewithatail
VIP Member
Posts: 3,348
Likes: 1,310
Location: Northern Rivers NSW
|
Jokes
Oct 7, 2022 13:45:16 GMT 10
Post by malewithatail on Oct 7, 2022 13:45:16 GMT 10
"Yes Mam, I realize your house is burning down, but our electric fire truck is charging....."
"Yes Mam, I realize your house is burning down, but our electric fire truck is currently burning down our fire station....."
For Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
|
|
|
Post by ausprep130 on Oct 7, 2022 15:54:42 GMT 10
I heard this one a few years back during interstate footy rivalry. Firstly, my apologies to Victorians, it is only a joke after all! A Tasmanian, a Victorian and a South Australian were walking along the beach and came across an old bottle. The Tasmanian picked it up, pulled out the cork and a genie popped out! He said, "I'll give you all one wish. Think carefully before you make your wish." The Tasmanian thought carefully and said, "My grandfather was a fisherman, my Dad was a fisherman and so am I. I want the seas around Tasmania filled with fish." The genie snapped his fingers and the seas around Tasmania were jumping with fish. The Victorian said, "I want a wall put around Victoria. I want it high and thick so that nothing can get in and nothing can get out, especially those pesky South Australians." "Done!" said the genie, and there was a humungous wall all around Victoria. The South Aussie said, "This wall, are you sure nothing can get in or out?" "Quite sure," said the genie. "Well then," said the South Aussie, "Fill it with water!" Heard the same one many years ago but it was Pauline Hansen saying she wanted a wall around Queensland to keep ______ out.
|
|
bug
Senior Member
Posts: 2,062
Likes: 1,861
|
Post by bug on Oct 8, 2022 9:22:15 GMT 10
Different versions of that joke have been around for decades.
|
|
|
Jokes
Oct 8, 2022 16:30:36 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Oct 8, 2022 16:30:36 GMT 10
Him: What are you doing to prepare for the Apocalypse? Her: I'm stockpiling food? What about you? Him: I'm stockpiling guns and ammo? Her: Why aren't you stockpiling food? Him. Because you're stockpiling my food! Her: ..................................
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Oct 8, 2022 19:30:17 GMT 10
What's the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman? One's a Superhero, the other's a command!
|
|
bushdoc2
Senior Member
Posts: 373
Likes: 465
|
Post by bushdoc2 on Oct 8, 2022 21:42:42 GMT 10
What's the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman? One's a Superhero, the other's a command! I knew the bloke who said that. Funeral Tuesday. Closed casket.
|
|
|
Jokes
Oct 9, 2022 15:06:07 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Oct 9, 2022 15:06:07 GMT 10
My wife has left me for my best friend. Well....actually he was a complete stranger at the time. But, he's my best friend now!
|
|
|
Jokes
Oct 13, 2022 21:01:50 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Oct 13, 2022 21:01:50 GMT 10
|
|
|
Jokes
Oct 13, 2022 21:02:16 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Oct 13, 2022 21:02:16 GMT 10
|
|
|
Jokes
Dec 1, 2022 18:53:59 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Dec 1, 2022 18:53:59 GMT 10
|
|
malewithatail
VIP Member
Posts: 3,348
Likes: 1,310
Location: Northern Rivers NSW
|
Post by malewithatail on Dec 2, 2022 8:11:58 GMT 10
Beware, I ride a horse. Which means that I haul 50 kg bags of feed, 30 kg bales of hay, use a pitchfork, and yell at 1,000kg animals to get out of my way whenever I want to. You will not be a problem.
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Dec 31, 2022 21:46:45 GMT 10
|
|
bushdoc2
Senior Member
Posts: 373
Likes: 465
|
Post by bushdoc2 on Jan 1, 2023 14:06:54 GMT 10
After Christmas, I have a spare tyre. But it's only a space-saver.
|
|
|
Jokes
Feb 13, 2023 18:06:46 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Feb 13, 2023 18:06:46 GMT 10
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Mar 9, 2023 17:18:46 GMT 10
|
|
|
Jokes
Apr 1, 2023 19:58:50 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Apr 1, 2023 19:58:50 GMT 10
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads...
|
|
|
Post by Stealth on Apr 9, 2023 16:37:59 GMT 10
|
|
malewithatail
VIP Member
Posts: 3,348
Likes: 1,310
Location: Northern Rivers NSW
|
Jokes
May 24, 2023 10:39:22 GMT 10
Post by malewithatail on May 24, 2023 10:39:22 GMT 10
How do gun shops prevent a person from simply walking in, asking to look at a gun and some bullets, then holding up the store owner with the weapon?
You know, this is funny. I was actually in a gun store when something almost exactly like this happened.
It was a fairly large store, with the owner and 4 other sales clerks behind the counters. I was with a friend who was there to pick up a shotgun he’d ordered. A guy walks in and asks to see a Colt .45 Model 1911. The clerk opens the glass, retrieves the pistol, and performs the necessary check, then lays the gun on the counter for the man. He picks it up, looks it over and says “Perfect…I like it.”
He then reaches into his pocket, pulls out a loaded magazine, and inserts it into the gun, then slides a round into the chamber - all pretty darned smooth and quick. He then points it at the clerk and says, “I’ll take it.”
The clerk just shrugged, and nodded past the guy. He backs off a bit, and then looks around the store. Every other clerk was armed, and had pistols pointed at the guy. Every customer had been ushered quickly behind counters or racks out of the way, without any fuss or noise. When the guy looked back at the clerk, he now had HIS pistol out and pointed at the guy. My friend and I were both trying not to laugh at this point.
The owner then starts walking towards the guy, with his hands up. He’s explaining to the guy how badly this is likely to go for him, and points out that he is seriously out-gunned, and he is definitely NOT leaving the store with that firearm. He speaks calmly, gently…and slowly reached out and took the gun from the guy without resistance at all. He then politely asked him to get on the floor, and told one of the clerks to call the police.
Found out later the store owner was a veteran, and the other sales people were either veterans or retired cops. All in all, I was never worried, scared…no, I was amused. And so were the cops, when they showed up (greeting the owner by name as they came in), wondering who’d try to rob a gun store.
I still wonder about that myself, some 30 years later, to be honest.
I'm not always grumpy, sometimes I'm asleep.
|
|